i read this article and you know what ... i'm the problem ... parts of this make me realise that i am fucking everything up ... i knew it anyway ... i'm failing i'm causing the issues i'm losing the plot
Update: K&P! I'm just another opinionated stranger on the internet, but thank you for reading and being willing to look at the movie from another perspective. If you wish to share this post on social media, you can find it on my blog here:
https://thegracefulpatient.wordpress.com/2015/02/17…
I was one of the people who contributed to 50 Shades's success on the opening weekend. I don't regret my decision.
I read the books in 2012. I had nothing particularly important one weekend and someone had the series spare, so I buried myself in them.
I don't mind reading shitty books. Sometimes it's really nice to have a break from books that make you think deeply about issues and care about characters. I liken it to pizza. Gourmet pizza is amazing, but sometimes all you want to do is play video games and eat shitty Pizza Hut pizza that is 90% cheese, 8% base, and 2% every other topping.
50 Shades of Grey and Twilight are both amazing sources of 2% topping.
I have a issues with the way the book presents an aspect of my sexuality. I don't believe that E L James had an any real idea of how D/s relationships function in a healthy and realistic manner, and I don't think she understands how a female orgasm works. She certainly doesn't understand how internalisation (thought) should be written, at least in a way that makes readers not want to puke. If I see 'inner goddess' one more time, I may actually gouge out my eyes.
I do believe, within the book, that Christian controls Ana in a way that she has not consented.
In the book, Ana is very clearly unhappy with the BDSM aspect of their relationship, and Christian ignores her wish to have a vanilla relationship and just keeps on going, treating her like a submissive despite her protests.
In the book.
Now, I'm going to tell you about the movie I watched on Saturday.
I was appalled with the movie 50 Shades of Grey.
It wasn't because Christian is a raping, abusing sociopath.
It wasn't because BDSM is presented 'unfairly'.
It wasn't because they removed the infamous tampon scene and I was looking to get off on watching that.
You know why I was upset? Because Ana is manipulative, and we're all choosing to ignore this in favour of demonising Christian.
I'm not saying Christian Grey is a saint. The guy clearly has issues that he should be dealing with before taking on the role of Dominant to anyone. The dude shouldn't even be in charge of a goldfish, let alone a submissive.
He has stalker tendencies, he's possessive, he's demanding.
He's also totally open and up front about the sort of relationship he's seeking. He spells it out - literally, it's written down - and is open to discussing the terms. He shows Ana the room she would have, the expectations they would keep, and the room where the kink would take place.
Now let's talk about Ana.
Due to book bias (even from non-readers, going in 'knowing' the text is abusive), everyone is viewing Ana as a blameless, innocent victim. She's the damsel in distress, and we, the Concerned Public Citizens, must save her and all others like her from the fate she's unwittingly fallen into. Damn those helpless women, they never know what they're doing.
Our blameless victim spends the entire movie attempting to guilt and cajole Christian into a vanilla relationship. Even when he makes concessions - like a date night once a week, like a regular couple - she continues to push the boundaries of a relationship he doesn't want.
We're all concerned about Christian violating Ana's consent, but where is the outrage when he makes it clear she doesn't have consent to touch him - particularly his face - and she continues to do so? Over and over again.
Where is the outrage when she asks him for heavy impact play, and then blames him for it?
We should be talking about how incredibly important it is for a bottom to communicate their requirements with their top. We should be talking about the bottom's responsibilities to their top, and to themselves. Submissives and bottoms aren't these helpless creatures with no power in a situation, we know this as a community. We should be demanding accountability from those we play with, regardless if they're the person swinging the flogger or the person with stripes.
I am not saying that Christian Grey is blameless. His character is fundamentally flawed and should not be practicing BDSM with anyone... But Ana is not our 100% innocent damsel in distress.
At one point in the movie, she demands an answer from Christian - "Why do you want to punish me?" She acknowledges very early in the movie that he is a sadist. She goes home with the sadist. She asks the sadist to play happy kinky times with her. The sadist insists that she do research on BDSM and ask him questions if she's not sure. The sadist explains very clearly what his intentions are with a relationship.
And yet Ana spends the entire movie trying to change Christian's sexuality, pulling the guilt card. "Why do you want to punish me?"
Oh, I don't know. Maybe because your boyfriend is a fucking sadist, you're encouraging him to play kinky times with you, and you aren't walking away from a relationship that isn't suited to you. Not until you've asked him to do heavy impact, then blamed him when you didn't like it.
The correct response, when you find out a potential partner has kinks that don't line up with yours, is an open and honest discussion about the sort of relationship that you can live with. Do they need kink? Do they need vanilla? Do they need it with you? What boundaries can you both live with?
Christian spends the movie clearly stating that his sexuality (his 'tastes') are part of who he is and what he enjoys. He approaches the situation like an adult (minus the super creepy stalking).
book!Christian is a passive aggressive twat, but movie!Christian is not.
movie!Christian is nothing but honest about his expectations, where movie!Ana is passive aggressive about what she wants, and then emotionally manipulates when she doesn't get it.
We have got to stop treating 'abuse victims' like they are angels. Abuse is not anywhere near as clear cut as we're making it out to be. Abuse victims do not deserve to be abused, but it does not mean that they've been saints in their relationships either.
Ana's relationship with Christian is full of inappropriate behaviour, from manipulation through to consent violation.
If you don't wish to watch the movie because it's not to your tastes, then do that.
If you don't want to watch the movie because you don't wish to support the abuse in the books, then do that.
If you don't want to watch the movie misrepresent healthy BDSM relationships, then do that.
But if you're boycotting the movie because you don't want to see a sociopathic, rapist creep abuse a virginal, innocent young woman... Then you're boycotting the wrong movie.
The movie is not the book.
A final note on BDSM and 50 Shades of Grey
To those commentators and critics who insist that everyone follows SSC (Safe Sane Consensual), you're wrong. If I see a comment like that one more time from an armchair internet kinkster, I'm going to scream. We are not all SSC-players. More frequently, you'll find kinksters aligning themselves with RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personally Responsible Informed Consensual Kink). While Christian's actions largely don't follow any of these three, we are not all SSC-players. Any time someone says 'it's not real BDSM, he's not following SSC!', I'm going to assume you've done a half hour's more research on BDSM than E L James did.
We protest as a community that Christian's actions are not a reflection of 'actual' BDSM, and that if the author had done her research, she would find out that this isn't what BDSM is.
I challenge this.
There are so, SO many writings on Fetlife about how submissives need to stop hooking up with Dominants who think it's okay to push hard limits to 'improve' their sub. There's an entire culture around this happening. We're talking about it, not because it never happens, but because it does. It happens so incredibly frequently. It's not okay, but it happens all the goddamn time.
The same thing applies to writings about Dominants (or tops) who have mental health concerns and should not be responsible for a submissive until they are well enough to do it responsibly. This exact conversation has happened a couple of times recently even within my local area. I have had this conversation with Dominants in the past.
We don't condone the relationship in 50 Shades of Grey as healthy, but we can't pretend that the exact relationship dynamic doesn't play out in our community every day. If anything, this movie (and the book) have given us a great starting place for dialogue about how this sort of behaviour shouldn't be acceptable to submissives or their Dominants. We should be glad that we have a clear reference point for 'shit you're not meant to do'.
Their kink is not my kink, but they're fucking fictional. If we want to bitch about something, we should be turning our attention to our own very weedy backyard.
