Having the control over someone and "forcing" them to do what i want. Pushing limits and playing on the edge has drawn me in. However, i am feeling a little jealous and proud at the same time.
i don't understand how that works but being a pain slut and spanking and whipping my little sub until her arse cheeks blushed more then her face released some jealousy of wishing it was me. It was a total turn on. i knew exactly how she felt. What was running through her brain. But at times all i could think is "this is what i want".
But Master chooses what i get and i am happy with that. Due to my borderline bipolar i think He treads a little too carefully. There are times i think He's given up to quickly but then to reflect the next day and realise He did it for my sake knowing that i probably wouldn't of handled it.
But i want to handle it!!!
my baby girl is my toy. For me to play with in front of Sir but also to submit with for Him. So now my Master has 2 subs. But a definite top and bottom. There is no chance in hell i could ever bottom for another woman. i just can't get my head around it. Even with my Mistress friends i always turn the tables to where in conversation i am topping them and they get rather confused by it all. i love it. Its thrilling to know a Dominant has just been dominated unwillingly. But due to the fact they are my friends W/we get to have a good giggle about it. And i think it opens our relationships up better.
But seeing my baby girls arse red and hot and knowing how it feels. Knowing the burn and knowing the pride she will feel the next day when she reflects on the night while looking at her bruises pulls my jealousy strings.
Playing in front of my Master i hope He sees that what i do to her i wish He would do to me. But take it further. i want to be pushed further over the edge. my panic attacks have come back and i'm hoping that with His help and heavy hand ... or whip ... or crop ... or cane ... can break me out of it. Help me to regain the control over the chaos in my mind. Because His dominance is what helps me to survive. But i feel like i'm missing out.
i will not top Master from the bottom. i have never wanted to do that. But am i doing the right thing in using my baby girl and her willingness and our sadomasochist tendencies to imply to Master what i am wishing for ... craving for.
i am lucky to have a baby girl that has the same turn ons. However she needs more attention than what i am like. i like to be used and abused. Taken advantage of. i love the fact my baby girl needs me to punish her but also comfort her. Push her over her limits but then bring her back down gently.
i'm lost on how to approach Master and tell Him at times i think i need more. He knows me better than i know me. But i'm feeling my pain and punishment limits aren't being pushed as far as i need them to be. Sir is going more on the exhibition and voyeuristic side at the moment. Which is fine i am happy to explore that. But where's my punishment. Where's His control over me gone.
Take me *or us (baby girl included)* out and show me/us off. Push the exhibition. But punish me if i hesitate. i need it
i crave it
i miss it
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