impatient

i've never been one to wait. If i want something i want it now. i wasn't a spoilt child, but now, in my thirties i definitely behave like one. Not just in my normal life but in my sex life too.

At times, well most times, i have quite a high libido. If i don't get sex or release every couple of days MAXIMUM i'm a bear with a sore head. i'll stomp around the house, yell at the dog for no reason and cry at the TV. Yes, quite a bit of this attitude can be put down to my bipolar but not all the time.

Another problem, well we'll call its problem, is i'm reading quite a few BDSM fictions. i thought this would help me with Sir as he does as me for input. But what i'm not doing is actually telling him enough about the books and the details of their scenes. i try to, but i get embarrassed about it, i worry that he won't be interested or think it's stupid. i shouldn't feel that way. Not once has he turned down an idea. That's why we're in a D/s relationship now.

Anyway,so these books are giving me fantasies about a Dom with, how do i put this, firm hand? Not someone who hit harder or pushes me around. But someone more direct. More "about him". i know He does the best He can considering this is a lifestyle i asked for. i also know if i communicated better, did my homework, helped him i wouldn't fee like there's an "issue". i feel like i expect too much from Him.

Also Sir works pretty shit hours. But when i want "a bit" and don't get its few things happen.
1. i feel rejected which in turn destroys any self confidence because i think i'm rejected for being fat/ugly/stupid, you name it i'll feel it
2. I get angry! i feel like i'm always initiating now i'm getting turned down. i want to know what i've done wrong because shouldn't He always want me?
3. i'll withdraw. By this point i'm so dejected, so fat, so ugly, so unwanted, now i'm lost and confused.

Sir has implemented things, because of my bipolar, to help Him and me, figure out where my heads at. Now i felt i implemented these. What i didn't take into consideration is how Sir was feeling. i was only thinking of me.  Now, in my head, i am the worse sub in the world.

A SELFISH LITTLE BRAT!

i don't know if Sir was clued on, watching me squirm. To be honest i hope he was. But yesterday i got fucked in the way i envisioned. i didn't ask for it, i tried to be there if he wanted me and He took control! Full control and i reveled in my total submission.

Thank you Sir for making me wait, making me realise my mistakes. i am and always will be yours. Thank you for still loving me when i'm a complete and utter selfish brat. i WILL learn to behave.