SWITCH high to low

The worse thing about me, hang on rephrase, something i or even Sir can't control is my BPD.  So when things go from high to low and it's not my doing it just causes more confusion.  And no matter how Sir and i speak about it, it still plays in my head.  Over and over and over again.

To be honest, we had a pretty good weekend.  But the low part is going to keep playing in my mind until it can be rectified.  And i'm not sure when that's going to happen.

i'll start with the highs

Sir and i, well we've had a rough trot from saturday last week.  i had a bit of a breakdown but as always we bounced back, or i should say He picks me back up.  So, friday night, i'm go to bed to give Him cuddles as He had to work very early.  i get told to sit between his legs and relax back onto Him.  Not a usual position for us.  Now, my blog is not porn so i'm not going into massive details but the result was me squirting.  Something i've NEVER experienced and at 34 that was pretty mind blowing.  i say to Sir "thank you that's just what i wanted" and his response was "no it's what you needed".  my heart melted.  BIGTIME.  You may have read in other posts that Sir sometimes can be a bit emotionally unattached.  So was my father.  So this, this is big!

sophie is now a massive cheshire cat. Purring to pieces and feeling whole.

high number two (yes i got two, i'm pretty lucky)

Our couple friends came over again.  For our second play date.  i was pretty excited.  Sir and i had gone over our plan with the other Master and EVERYONE gone their own.  That's what Sir is great at, planning a scene so no-ones left out.  As i mentioned this is not a porn blog so i'm not going into massive details but i will spill a bit here.

i got to Switch! Yup, you heard me.  i got to be Miss Sophie.  Oh my head was reeling.  To be honest i will never, ever submit to a female.  i have no interest what-so-ever.  i am always the Top in any FF or FMF situation.  Well this time i got to be a Domme.  So freaking happy.  i played my part, and to be honest i played it fucking well!  The way i was playing, and Sir knew it, was to show Him what i would like when we play, to show the other Master how to be assertive and speak to his sub and push aside the wife ideas in his head.  i still gave Him control.  amy is his sub, but my toy, so He still had the options.  i felt like i was on stage.  As a dancer that is one of the best places for me to be.  Miss Sophie continued to play, and i know miss amy was loving it.  It came time for me to resume my place next to Sir.  Things progressed onwards.  Sir was always there, always involved me.  But they didn't. 

i played my role.  i played it fucking good!  But did i get any in return.  my Master  knew, he played with me, but the plan that was there was long gone for the other Master.  It was all about amy.  i'm sorry but NOT HAPPY!  If He was experienced i would of taken this as some form of punishment.  But from the start He was told that i will only answer to my Master.  If He tells me to do something to someone else.  i'll do it, happily.  But if that other Master tries or tries to punish me.  Big no no.  And i'm glad He seemed to understand that.  But how can you just leave someone out?  Entirely?  amy didn't even do anything to me but kiss me.  Um, where's my thanks for what i just gave to you.  i made you cum, i gave you your first punishment and flogging.  you should show appreciation.  Next time, and yes i'm forcing a next time.  she WILL be thanking me.  If she thought i was tough, which i wasn't i was actually very nice, well that's all out the window now. i'll still worry about crossing her boundaries.  But i've got your list, i know what you do and don't want.  i can play Domme, wait, i can be Domme and i can be a tough bitch!  New rule for little miss amy.  you will make me cum before i even think about giving you anything.

i know she's a brat.  Are you wondering how i know.  Because i am too!  i know i'm ranting but i make sure if Sir has given to me i will give back.

Sir knew i was unhappy.  He also had his own problems with the scene.  There will be big discussions between Him and the other Master before we even think about the next one.  So yes, i'm at the low point.   How did you guess?  To make it worse.  i didn't provide my Master with exactly the thing i missed out on.  i was so tired, so pissed off, so self-absorbed.  But He knew.  He knew to leave me.  He knew to let me rest.  He knew, and i knew, when he got back from work i would make up for it!  He wanted to make up for their lacking.  And we did!  And i crashed! Hello sub-space.  Hello satisfied sophie.  Happy Master. Warm cuddles in bed, until we get hungry!

So that's my weekend.  It did definitely deteriorate any unloving feelings i have had in the last month.  But also showed me that i want control but don't use it probably when i could.  All i could think was i'm sophie, i am His, i will do what He says.  Well it's hard to do what He says when he's busy with another sub and i'm left with and inexperience Master.

That's life, we knew this when we met them.  Looks like i have some training to do with behavior and gratitude with little miss amy!