it doesn't mean shit if no one reads this ... it's for me to learn for me to vent for me to grow
don't get me wrong i would appreciated it if He read it but i think at this stage W/we're not at the same stage of th e journey. It's not that i want more or less. i don't think He knows more or less or wants more or less. i think life I general takes the lead right now and getting back to some form of normality.
W/we have tonight together without he kids. i have an event to go to to support a friend and look into my own personal business growth. i'm hoping we can spend a littl but of time together out. Have a drink and maybe chat a bit more about what this lifestyle should be at this point.
W/we don't live the lifestyle. With my bipolar/borderline/A.D.D/*insert another generic mental health issue* lol ... it's not suitable for U/us. i don't have the capability to live like that without hurting myself. i think I expect more of me than He does. But He knows my limits in EVERYTHING more than me. He knows my strengths and my weaknesses. He knows my vunerablitlies. It's better for me for things to be set out clear. In saying that i believe W/we still lack a lot of communication.
He must be scared to talk to me because He's worried about my reaction and even i don't know how i will react. i think maybe i'm the one that needs to start the conversations so He knows He's safe talking to me without thinking i'm going to explode for no reason.
i have to remember that i am submitting for Him. i do this because making Him happy means so much to me. i need to stop thinking that out D/s life should be like this book or that blog. W/we aren't hem. It sounds so attractive to have that relationship but W/we have been through so much shit that our D/s relationship needs to be rebuilt constantly. i know it's my fault. Because of my health issue it's hard for even me to know what i want.
BUT ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT I WANT!
If He wants to play that way i shouldn't expect he scene to be like what ever is running in my head. He knows me better and i need to give to Him not to my desire. If i submit (mentally) i think i'll get more than i dreamt of. Don't expect Him to do something. He's reading me and giving me what I need. Not what i want.
i want to please Him I want to make Him proud i want Him to use me for His pleasure ... if that doesn't include a big spanking or pushing me around then obviously I don't need a spanking
yes it gets me off. Playing the "naughty girl getting punished" is my biggest fantasy. But maybe He doesn't want a naughty girl. Well not today or not tomorrow. But i do know He does have fun when we do play naughty.
This is not kinky sex. I love kinky sex. But his is submission. It's different. i give Him me. To do with me what pleases Him.
Just please Sir can you tell me what you want and expect. To help me to get into he right frame of mind. Please talk to me. i will try so hard to control my head. If i want to explode i will have to walk away and come back but when i come back please let us continue the talk. Don't emotionally push me away because i'm lost. It's not you're fault it's my stupid brain
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