do you even read this

i can understand that there's more important things in life than my blog

but i take my time to write in here to try and explain the unexplainable, to help Him understand me when i make no sense while i'm talking or yelling or screaming or crying or mumbling

but there's a few posts, one very important one (well to me) that haven't been read and i'm starting to wonder if this blog ever gets read

i've even been writing in my journal. Fair enough most consists of copying information i've found elsewhere to help me understand certain things. But He hasn't asked me for it. As far as i'm aware He hasn't looked at it at all

the main reason why I write all this stuff and copy and paste info is because He asked me to. It's a part of my role. But is there a role anymore? i'm still lost after the recent arguments on where i actually stand. Do i approach Him? Or do I hold it in again. Both ways causes me distress. i don't want to start another fight and I have so much trouble controlling my emotions that i'm sure if i do bring it up i'll say something out of context and fuck it all up again. But if i hold it in i'll implode and end up on another spiral of depression

i know why He asked me to do it. It's for self learning and continuing to grow within myself. But what's the point in it if He doesn't even look at it. He's why i do it. Just a bit of recognition would help me. Know that i'm getting right

is this selfish of me? Should i need eh recognition or should i just feel comfortable knowing i have done what He has asked

i'm lost again and this is the most hated part of me ... needing validation with EVERYTHING i do

i just want to please Him and i can't know if He hasn't even read what i've put so much into