the best way to hurt me

You may think that the meaning of this post is to list all my desires, etc as a sub with masochistic tendencies.

Well i apologise as it's not.  With my personality "disorder" there are times where things people say or do will make a massive impact on my thoughts and actions.  You may feel like i should get over it.  Take a spoonful of cement and harden up.  Well i'm sorry i've been fighting my emotions since i was 12 years old.  i repressed them, i let them rage, now i've found that keeping to myself works best for me.  Because if you verbally or mentally hurt me and i lose the plot, in the end i'm not the only one hurt.

But how long am i expected to hold my emotions in.  With constant digs on things from the past do you seriously think that i can let that go over my head.  In my head my past is CONSTANTLY haunting me anyway.  Things that people said of did replay in my mind daily. There's not a moment where a comment from my father, an old boss, boyfriend, girlfriends, random people ANYONE that's said anything mean to me or put me down will replay in my head.  You have NO self worth when these memories never fade.

So when the one you love, the one you have given your heart, soul and body too, constantly digs at you, those are the moments that hurt the most.  They may be in jest, or silly remarks.  But you don't say something if you don't mean it.

i try my hardest to live up to the expectations of everyone else.  It's only been the last few years that i've changed this and tried to only worry about the ones closest.  Only problem is it's the ones closest who's remarks hurt the most!

i've made mistakes.  But guess what?!? You have too!  Everyone has.  How else do you learn if you don't make mistakes.  But please, PLEASE, do not rub my face in mistakes that are days, months, years old.

How about, that frustration i've caused you (yes i'm talking to Sir directly here) take it out in a play/scene time. i know i'm frustrating but i know i haven't really done that much "wrong".  i try my hardest so if you're frustrated over something that happened 6 months ago that's done with maybe transfer that into a punishment because i can't handle the put-downs.  i don't know what else to say.  i know hardly anyone reads this and i won't get any advise, that's what my psych is for anyway.  i just struggle with snidey comments.  i do it to.  At times i have stopped myself from saying it.  That's not to say i still don't shoot my mouth off when i'm angry. 

The world would be such a better place if people thought about what sort of reaction their actions will create.