claiming beauty

i haven't written for a while.  Life has been, full on, so to speak.  Lots of different, but very boring things going on.

i did get the chance to read a very intriguing book.  Something i didn't understand, yet was sucked into it.  Now i finished the first of the 3 books i'm trying to wait patiently for the next too to arrive from booktopia.  i tell you what if you want to order books it's a great site!

This is the first of Anne Rice's classic Sleeping Beauty trilogy. 
In the traditional fairy tale of 'Sleeping Beauty' the spell cast upon the lovely young princess can only be broken by the kiss of a prince. However, in the world of Anne Rice, this legendary curse is broken not with a kiss, but with sexual initiation. The Prince's reward for ending the hundred years of enchantment is Beauty's complete and total enslavement to him. Sleeping Beauty awakes to a world of seduction, desire and love. 
In the first of a three part retelling of the Sleeping Beauty story, Anne Rice explores the unspoken implications of this lush, suggestive fairy tale, opening up a world of erotic yearning and fantasy

So i was at a loss.  i got this book thinking "great it will be another sort of kinky book" but i was mislead!  Don't get me wrong.  It's a great book.  But within the first few chaptures there's a rape scene.  So to speak.  Now to be honest i'll all up for rape scenes but this wasn't a put together type one.  i won't wreck the book but it did shock me.  Then some parts throughout the book seriously worried me.  How could they treat people like that (yes yes i know it's a story).  But the problem, well not really a problem, but my dilemma, was i was getting seriously turned on by it.

i don't think people would understand why this was a dilemma to me.  But as much as i want to "give in" i still find i need to be in some sort of control.  In the book there is no such thing.  They were at the full mercy of their Masters and Mistresses and being degraded 24/7.  Usually, because i am a sub not a slave, i worry about this.  But i got to thinking on how this would make life SO simple.  The slave/sub knew their place.  No questions.  They are trained for the whims of their Masters.  And were punished for the slightest mistake.  With some of them as turned on about it as i was just reading.

i want so badly to say to Sir that i would love to "play" this role sometimes.  But i am scared He won't be interested.  i know he likes to give me things, reward me.  But i really need Him to bare down on me.  Be tough, be nasty.  But be proud when i've performed to what He expects.  

i wish it wasn't so hard to tell Him ... to stop expecting Him to be like that anyway ...