take your fucking label off when you're around me thanx

Your "label" does not define you
If you have to fake it to match your label ... well it's not your fucking label then is it
If you need a label to feel like you belong then you are very lost

In this world (the fet one) I've heard and seen people use their labels as an excuse
"I'm a primal so I reacted and I hurt her" ... When this person said this is wasnt in regards to a scene it was some fella talking about an incident in a car where he hurt his friend and blamed his label on his reaction

Constantly I'm seeing and hearing "dominants" talking over and down to people expecting them to "bow down" because they're a Dom ... Again ... Not during a scene
If you're a Dom/Domme and we're just chatting ... Being people ... And you try to top me intentionally (yes I understand personality traits) I will walk away and think you're a fucking twat monkey

In this fet world people think they can put their label on and treat people they've just met with disrespect ... We are still people ... Don't introduce yourself to me as your label ... I'm not participating in a scene with you ... You aren't my Dom I didn't give myself to you so that does not give you the right to speak to me like I'm your sub ... You fucking wish jelly fish

Same with the brats ... I get bratty ... I do ... I brat pretty damned good ... But don't define your whole Self as a brat cos now you're just a constant whiny bitch that expects everyone to pat you on the head ... I'm not your Mummy/Top ... Be yourself around me ... Unless we play then yeah it's all in!!!

I know this is a massive whinge and rant ... Yes we go to events with our labels on ... But my Miss Sophie will not top you for no reason unless we've both made it clear that this situation is what it is ...

Clearly collared subs and slaves and pets are to be treated as their Top Dom master expects because they have defined that's what they are right in that circumstantial point ... I made the mistake of addressing a slave at an event then looked at her Master and realised and woke the fuck up and then asked Him if she would like some water

I understand too if you're trans or a cross dresser or a pet at an event I will address you as what you are at that time and if I meet you again when you're not being that part of your personality I will address you as to who you are at that time

I have that too ... At events I'm Sophie ... If I'm shooting you in your photographer ... If I'm hugging you I'm your friend

I know we go to events as our "other" but don't go as a label ... Please don't let it define you

This is a ramble and I don't think I'm explaining how frustrated I am at the moment

Please don't think I'm disrespecting anyone's label choice but when we're chatting we're by in a scene I want to chat to YOU not your label

Pick me up

As soon as I arrive i forget why I even came 

And I can feel the pulse take control but it's all still the same 

See I get so pushed back when I ran laps inside of my head 

Go out and put headphones on and wish you were here 

So, pick me up, until now I've been out of my head 

Pick me up where I'm found I've been out of my head 

Pick me up, turn around

So write your name on the palm of my hand, let's start again 

with sunlight in my eyes I can trace your outline 

So, pick me up, until now i've been out of my head 

Pick me up where I'm found get me outta my head

Pick me up where I'm found get me outta my head

So pick me up soon enough well forget everything 

Pick me up turn around 

Why can't I read your mind like you do mine all of the time 

Pick me up, until now I've been out of my head 

Pick me up where I'm found get me outta my head 

Oh pick me up, until now I've been out of my head 

With the sun in my eyes I can trace your outline 

So pick me up, turn around

http://youtu.be/-IKYnBemrAY

ropespace

rope play today after last nights workshop at a new group that we found 

He found a way to do it so i don't panic

it was the best thing i could of asked for

things have been a bit chaotic as usually and being bound felt like the biggest safest a hug i have ever had

i started to have a small panic attack nothing huge just a wave of uncertainty but i let it go ... that's not the easiest thing to do

i just had to trust him just let it flow and as soon as that happened i went into sub space floaty wonderful trancelike subspace

He pushed me and tweaked me and i was close to orgasm WOW how did He get me there

i didn't expect that sort of reaction but now i can understand and relate to te other subs W/we've watched at the shows

i CAN be one of THISE GIRLS!!!

and i got hugged and loved and put back together and it felt like i woke up from the best sleep i've had in a long time

WEDNESDAY IS BACK

Thank you Sir You have no idea how much tht just meant to me

tomorrow night

It's the first event T/they're going to

an actual event ... not the first outing but he first event

she is very anxious please understand this

please don't undermine her feelings

please understand that she can't control the panic

she doesn't expect You to understand it but by saying it's nothing or there's no reason for it makes her feel more broken than she already is 

being around people is hard enough 

being around people and performing is harder 

this isn't like getting up on stage ... that's not the mask she's wearing

this mask is Your mask and she's scared that she'll embarrass You

and it's just You she's doing this for

You're the only one she knows 

You're the only one that matters

and with all that You've said and expect she doesn't want to fuck it up

but she's fucked up so much lately

failed at almost everything she's tried

please help her

he sent to me ... from Sir J's blog

I am a Dominant and if that was the title of the book of me then the sub title would be I take care of her. I see no contradiction in these two statements at all in fact I often wonder about the Dominant that does not think this way. For me the very essence of being a Dominant is control, I want to control everything, me, her, us, others, the weather, traffic, work, literally everything. When I was younger and more arrogant than I am now I use to say with some regularity "if they would just let me run the world" and people would laugh, I was only sort of kidding. Now I know better and would not take the job even if they did offer it. However I do run my world and for the most part I learned a long time ago the only think I can control is me. I focus much of my energy on that now and I think it makes me a better Dominant and any number of people I know will roll their eyes and tell you it makes me a much better person, or at the very least less of an ass. The urge to control is always there though, just below the surface and never more so than with her. My submissive. Controlling her is a delicate balancing act akin to herding cats. First there is the issue that she is smarter than I am, next the fact that she is a powerful professional at the height of her profession who makes dozens of decisions every day. Anything done that would take away all that she is and stop her from being all that she could be would be immoral and idiotic. Like many a top flight professional woman though she has moments of doubt and of being overwhelmed, she worries about being a good worker, a good Mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good daughter in law, a good submissive and many more. What I can do is take care of her, I can be strong when she feels weak, I can make decisions for her when she feels overwhelmed. I can take her mind away from the so called real world and I can focus it on my world. A place where she can just be and feel and go where her senses take her, I can focus all that she is on a single event or series of events that culminate in an explosive orgasm and I can hold her while she falls asleep with out a care in the world. I can decide if and when she will cum, what she will wear or eat how much or how little in any and every circumstance. She calls it being taken care of, I call it control. You might look at and think she has me wrapped around her little finger, you may wonder how on earth I could be the Dominant and she the submissive. You might come to believe my opening statement is crazy. I know as she does that the only way I will stop looking after her is if she leaves and she knows as I do that she would only leave if I stopped looking after her. I take care of her and I do it that makes me a Dominant and she is taken care of and she allows it that makes her a submissive. No contradiction at all.

i am the problem here

i read this article and you know what ... i'm the problem ... parts of this make me realise that i am fucking everything up ... i knew it anyway ... i'm failing i'm causing the issues i'm losing the plot

I saw 50 Shades of Grey, and I was appalled - but not for the reasons you think.

Note | 202 Comments · 1,117 Love It | 5 days ago

Update: K&P! I'm just another opinionated stranger on the internet, but thank you for reading and being willing to look at the movie from another perspective. If you wish to share this post on social media, you can find it on my blog here:https://thegracefulpatient.wordpress.com/2015/02/17…

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I was one of the people who contributed to 50 Shades's success on the opening weekend. I don't regret my decision.

I read the books in 2012. I had nothing particularly important one weekend and someone had the series spare, so I buried myself in them.

I don't mind reading shitty books. Sometimes it's really nice to have a break from books that make you think deeply about issues and care about characters. I liken it to pizza. Gourmet pizza is amazing, but sometimes all you want to do is play video games and eat shitty Pizza Hut pizza that is 90% cheese, 8% base, and 2% every other topping.

50 Shades of Grey and Twilight are both amazing sources of 2% topping.

I have a issues with the way the book presents an aspect of my sexuality. I don't believe that E L James had an any real idea of how D/s relationships function in a healthy and realistic manner, and I don't think she understands how a female orgasm works. She certainly doesn't understand how internalisation (thought) should be written, at least in a way that makes readers not want to puke. If I see 'inner goddess' one more time, I may actually gouge out my eyes.

I do believe, within the book, that Christian controls Ana in a way that she has not consented.

In the book, Ana is very clearly unhappy with the BDSM aspect of their relationship, and Christian ignores her wish to have a vanilla relationship and just keeps on going, treating her like a submissive despite her protests.

In the book.

Now, I'm going to tell you about the movie I watched on Saturday.

I was appalled with the movie 50 Shades of Grey.

It wasn't because Christian is a raping, abusing sociopath.

It wasn't because BDSM is presented 'unfairly'.

It wasn't because they removed the infamous tampon scene and I was looking to get off on watching that.

You know why I was upset? Because Ana is manipulative, and we're all choosing to ignore this in favour of demonising Christian.

I'm not saying Christian Grey is a saint. The guy clearly has issues that he should be dealing with before taking on the role of Dominant to anyone. The dude shouldn't even be in charge of a goldfish, let alone a submissive.

He has stalker tendencies, he's possessive, he's demanding.

He's also totally open and up front about the sort of relationship he's seeking. He spells it out - literally, it's written down - and is open to discussing the terms. He shows Ana the room she would have, the expectations they would keep, and the room where the kink would take place.

Now let's talk about Ana.

Due to book bias (even from non-readers, going in 'knowing' the text is abusive), everyone is viewing Ana as a blameless, innocent victim. She's the damsel in distress, and we, the Concerned Public Citizens, must save her and all others like her from the fate she's unwittingly fallen into. Damn those helpless women, they never know what they're doing.

Our blameless victim spends the entire movie attempting to guilt and cajole Christian into a vanilla relationship. Even when he makes concessions - like a date night once a week, like a regular couple - she continues to push the boundaries of a relationship he doesn't want.

We're all concerned about Christian violating Ana's consent, but where is the outrage when he makes it clear she doesn't have consent to touch him - particularly his face - and she continues to do so? Over and over again.

Where is the outrage when she asks him for heavy impact play, and then blames him for it?

We should be talking about how incredibly important it is for a bottom to communicate their requirements with their top. We should be talking about the bottom's responsibilities to their top, and to themselves. Submissives and bottoms aren't these helpless creatures with no power in a situation, we know this as a community. We should be demanding accountability from those we play with, regardless if they're the person swinging the flogger or the person with stripes.

I am not saying that Christian Grey is blameless. His character is fundamentally flawed and should not be practicing BDSM with anyone... But Ana is not our 100% innocent damsel in distress.

At one point in the movie, she demands an answer from Christian - "Why do you want to punish me?" She acknowledges very early in the movie that he is a sadist. She goes home with the sadist. She asks the sadist to play happy kinky times with her. The sadist insists that she do research on BDSM and ask him questions if she's not sure. The sadist explains very clearly what his intentions are with a relationship.

And yet Ana spends the entire movie trying to change Christian's sexuality, pulling the guilt card. "Why do you want to punish me?"

Oh, I don't know. Maybe because your boyfriend is a fucking sadist, you're encouraging him to play kinky times with you, and you aren't walking away from a relationship that isn't suited to you. Not until you've asked him to do heavy impact, then blamed him when you didn't like it.

The correct response, when you find out a potential partner has kinks that don't line up with yours, is an open and honest discussion about the sort of relationship that you can live with. Do they need kink? Do they need vanilla? Do they need it with you? What boundaries can you both live with?

Christian spends the movie clearly stating that his sexuality (his 'tastes') are part of who he is and what he enjoys. He approaches the situation like an adult (minus the super creepy stalking).

book!Christian is a passive aggressive twat, but movie!Christian is not.

movie!Christian is nothing but honest about his expectations, where movie!Ana is passive aggressive about what she wants, and then emotionally manipulates when she doesn't get it.

We have got to stop treating 'abuse victims' like they are angels. Abuse is not anywhere near as clear cut as we're making it out to be. Abuse victims do not deserve to be abused, but it does not mean that they've been saints in their relationships either.

Ana's relationship with Christian is full of inappropriate behaviour, from manipulation through to consent violation.

If you don't wish to watch the movie because it's not to your tastes, then do that.

If you don't want to watch the movie because you don't wish to support the abuse in the books, then do that.

If you don't want to watch the movie misrepresent healthy BDSM relationships, then do that.

But if you're boycotting the movie because you don't want to see a sociopathic, rapist creep abuse a virginal, innocent young woman... Then you're boycotting the wrong movie.

The movie is not the book.

A final note on BDSM and 50 Shades of Grey

To those commentators and critics who insist that everyone follows SSC (Safe Sane Consensual), you're wrong. If I see a comment like that one more time from an armchair internet kinkster, I'm going to scream. We are not all SSC-players. More frequently, you'll find kinksters aligning themselves with RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personally Responsible Informed Consensual Kink). While Christian's actions largely don't follow any of these three, we are not all SSC-players. Any time someone says 'it's not real BDSM, he's not following SSC!', I'm going to assume you've done a half hour's more research on BDSM than E L James did.

We protest as a community that Christian's actions are not a reflection of 'actual' BDSM, and that if the author had done her research, she would find out that this isn't what BDSM is.

I challenge this.

There are so, SO many writings on Fetlife about how submissives need to stop hooking up with Dominants who think it's okay to push hard limits to 'improve' their sub. There's an entire culture around this happening. We're talking about it, not because it never happens, but because it does. It happens so incredibly frequently. It's not okay, but it happens all the goddamn time.

The same thing applies to writings about Dominants (or tops) who have mental health concerns and should not be responsible for a submissive until they are well enough to do it responsibly. This exact conversation has happened a couple of times recently even within my local area. I have had this conversation with Dominants in the past.

We don't condone the relationship in 50 Shades of Grey as healthy, but we can't pretend that the exact relationship dynamic doesn't play out in our community every day. If anything, this movie (and the book) have given us a great starting place for dialogue about how this sort of behaviour shouldn't be acceptable to submissives or their Dominants. We should be glad that we have a clear reference point for 'shit you're not meant to do'.

Their kink is not my kink, but they're fucking fictional. If we want to bitch about something, we should be turning our attention to our own very weedy backyard.