blooming

well ... er ... where does one start

Sir had read my requests and said He appreciated it.  i'm glad because it was a really REALLY hard thing to write.  i've been told before i top from the bottom.  That's never my intention.  But after conversations and reading other articles i thought that it would help.  They were just suggestions, requests, a fantasy.  Then Sir made them true!!!

i still wear the marks of that night after i made my requests and it's been now a week.   i'm so very proud of them and was sore too a reminder of His firm hand, the crop, every time i moved in my chair a reminder how He helped me.  i crashed big time!  It brought up something that i went through 18 years ago that i thought was dealt with but obviously not.  The problem with BPD (both aspects borderline & bipolar) and A.D.D or A.D.H.D whichever category you want to (ab)use is the constant noise and chaos in a sufferers head.  they end up not knowing what the issues are ... it's just noise and confusion.  A scene gives me clarity, turns off that noise and stops that confusion for just a while so these things that are causing the issue can arise and be dealt with.  i will say i still haven't fully dealt with it.  But by Sir letting me release it i feel calmer.  i feel that problem can be put on the shelf with the other ones for now.  i don't need to worry about it any more.

Sir asked me last night if i wanted a scene again.  If i felt i needed it.  W/we've has a big week as i had an exhibition on friday and for weeks and weeks i have been stressing about it.  He helped me set it up and get everything organised but there were times when i knew He was frustrated too but i couldn't approach the situation as my own mind would of sabotaged anything He said turning it against me and starting a fight.  i am so happy that He just let me be me ... a big fucking mess ... for the week.  When He asked me if i wanted a scene i said no.  i didn't feel like i could commit fully and i didn't want to explode (or implode) and cause any shit to hit the fan. 

But He knew what i needed ... everything He did last night to help me release the tension of the last weeks was perfect.  He dominated me in the most tender way, He still controlled the chaos and opened my soul and let the confusion pour out.  i slept so well, better than i have even after last weeks scene.  Everything is over now.  W/we're back to our normal life, for the moment.

After my requests Sir seems to understand what it is i need a little more.  He's been so good before and W/we've had some shockers.  i'm scared at the moment because He's reading all my past posts.  After realising He hadn't read them i couldn't hold it in any more and asked Him why.  Now, i think He's read them all.  i'm slightly embarrassed by some of my rants but at that time that's where my head was at so i won't apologise for it.  The purpose of this blog is to write the NOW and leave it.  To help remove some of the confusion.  i feel it could of worked better if He read them at the time it was happening because then He could of dealt with it then BUT that is the past ... it seems W/we now have a clearer future ahead of us.

i know i'll lose focus and i know W/we're not perfect but now i feel like our direction is more clear ... W/we still have "forks in the road" to choose from but they aren't as scary now that everything is open now.  Like O/our orchid that's finally bloomed.  It's taken a while and W/we've watched the buds grow.  Because of You Sir and what W/we've achieved, now i feel open and whole and beautiful like it is and i'll watch one by one while the rest open as W/we continue to grow and bloom together

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i love you Sir and i am SO very happy and thank you for EVERYTHING you have done for me these last weeks.  Without you i would be a puddle of confusion on the floor struggling to survive.  thank you for allowing me to be Your sub, Your slut, Your little one