two for Tuesday continued

A lot has happened since J came over and i realised i didn't finish the story of what happened on Wednesday after, so i'll try to remember as good as i can. 

i don't work Wednesdays and if Sir has the day off i usually get to sleep in. And after such a big night i was glad i didn't have to get up. Problem was i woke up anyway. It's a noisy house first thing in the morning so unless i'm dead to the world i will hear everything. Sometimes i can get back to sleep but i couldn't this time. All i could think of was last night. Picturing and thinking about EVEYTHING we did. Made me horny all over again. i was a bit sore in the legs but the aching between them wasn't from pain. 

Sir had done the morning run and as soon as soon as i heard him drive off i knew what to do. i was feeling naughty. Not really "fun" naughty. A bit scared of how much i enjoyed the night before and a bit embarrassed. It still feels wrong enjoying another man. Even if it was Sirs idea it still felt like, well, cheating. W/we always try to make sure that W/we have our own time after but i still felt a bit, i don't know, dirty, slutty, bad ... and not in the good way. i felt like i needed to be punished for enjoying it and Sir doesn't really do punishment no matter how muh i ask. Apart from ignoring me when W/we argue which isn't what should happen as it makes things worse but He doesn't seen to get that. So anyway, i bounced out of bed with a great idea hoping that it would help U/us reconnect and get my head back on straight. 

Sir loves stockings and suspenders. i don't get many chances to wear them but i have a few anyway. I grabbed them and put them on as quickly as possible without putting ladders in them. i didn't choose any underwear but i put back on the little tartan skirt i wore the night before and a singlet. i ran downstairs where W/we play knowing He'd be home in not even 10 minutes. The table was still there where i laid last night being used by Sir and J. i bent over standing but with my stomach on the table. i stood on my toes shaping my legs and the skirt barely covered my naked arse. The suspenders over my cheeks felt great and naughty. This time in a good way. This was my way of letting Sir know that i felt like i needed punishment. It's not topping from the bottom. It's showing Him that if He agrees then it's there for Him. 

i heard the car pull up and started to freak out. What if He didn't want to do it. i feel like punishment is the best way for me to get my chaotic thoughts together but He doesn't seem to like it or i dunno maybe there's something He doesn't get even though i try to explain it to Him when W/we talk about scenes. i heard his footsteps and knew He was so close. i tensed up hoping so much that He would understand. i don't know what He thought when He walked in but He giggled in surprise. Knowing He likes the outfit i hoped so bad that it turned Him on to see my legs in stocking and the straps of the suspenders running up my arse. He asked what i was doing. i explained how i felt and told Him i needed to be punished for enjoying another man. Scared of His reaction i didn't want to look at Him but when i did He was smirking at me. i was still on my stomach so i had to look back around to Him. He pushed my skirt up and bared my arse and already swollen pussy. He spanked me over and over. It hurt and i revelled in it. He stopped for a bit and i wasn't sure what He was doing. He showed me later two photos of my cherry red arse with hand welts. i was so proud to have them. 

A few times i cried. Still feeling remorse. But He asked me who's slut i am. Yours, i replied. Feeling a bit more at peace Sir fucked me and used me how He wanted for the next hour or so. As much as i enjoyed the night before being fucked by Him made me feel like i was home. 

i wish He understood how much i feel i need to be spanked or flogged or used. In the chaos of my life i get so confused and it's these actions that make me feel whole again. Put me back in my place. He thinks spanking should be as a reward since i enjoy it. But unless W/we're playing a role to me it doesn't seem to fit. i want Him to tell me i'm naughty, bad, i want Him to spank me when i've done something wrong look forgotten to do the washing up or stayed on the computer too long. i've asked Him to do this. Maybe He's not ready. Or doesn't like it. i wish i knew. But i don't want to top from the bottom and i don't want to be classed as a brat. i want to be "the secretary" pulled into place and the chaos of my head taken away from me. 

i wish W/we could communicate better about it. i wish He could understand if this happened when i fucked up that i wouldn't have the anxiety i live with. i honestly think if we could live a bit more of the lifestyle it would help me and my head shit so much. 

i just want Him to understand. 

W/we had an argument today. i know He'll just ignore me until He's over it. Which hurts more than anything else He could do to me. What i would give for Him to come home. Bend me over or strap me up and spank me until i was screaming. Leaving me marked as a reminder that i was naughty. i'm not a brat. i don't do shit on purpose to push Him away. 

But please just take a firm hand and help me because your slut needs to be put in her place because she doesn't know where she belongs until You tell her.