again

so I thought it was supposed to be a scene according to him it was

After doing all my research and writing lists and posting picture after picture after picture of the type of scene I would like because he asked me to. Because he said it would be easier for him if he knew. Well that's not anywhere near what was going to happen. 

So lying there letting him do to me what he wants but things running through my head on what I should be doing. There was NO communication he hardly spoke at all. So when he asked if I liked what was happening and if I enjoyed the spanking instead of biting my tongue I thought he would appreciate it if I spoke up and said what was on my mind. Because he always tells me to tell him. 

WRONG

I explained I would like it better if he told me why I was being spanked or played the "naughty" card. A bit of role play or something like that. This was NEVER EVER to be life this was always just play so how hard is it to say something silly like "you're a naughty girl you should be spanked". But according to him and god knows what he's reading that's not how it's supposed to be. 

WELL GUESS WHAT!?! We're not those people I asked this to be something fun and different. But no aaprently to him because I enjoy spanking it's not used as a punishment. Everything I've shown him and explained to him this cuts me the most. Yes I enjoy it. So USE IT!

His role, isn't it supposed to be, using me for his pleasure but also playing on my own. Well lying on my stomach with him saying NOTHING to me doesn't turn me on. Sorry. 

The message he sent me said he was going to tie me up and use me and other things. I drove home so excited thinking wow is he really going to actually dominate. Well, no. All it was was him poking and prodding but also being loving But SAID HARDLY ANYTHING.

The show I did for him with the couple I said to him I'll show you what I would like. He ask asks asks asks asks what I would like. 

Did he use any force while I waited naked on my knees for him. Did I get praise. Did I get a pat on the head a hand around my throat forced to look at him while he praised me. No. When he got frustrated with me did he force me to suck his cock. No. Shit just hit the fan. And not figuratively. 

When we spoke about the rules and about what I would like I have said again and again and again and again and again and again I would like to be forced. I would like you to make me do what you want. I want you to use me.

He can't do that and he NEVER EVER said he can't do that. So why drag me along thinking this would happen. 

We had sex a few weeks back. Things got a bit rough. We wrestled for the top and he forced me down. This was one if the biggest turn one for me. A scene a while ago he did tell me what to do. Then he bound me bent me over and teased me and made me work for his cock. It was nearly the best sex we had had. 

I need him forceful. I need him to take control. But he didn't and I don't think he wants to. 

I asked to switch. He said he's not interested. I said maybe you'll understand in one of my books the dom has been he oh everything the sub has and he said it helps. I gave him this book to read. He called me a liar. Well I'm guessing he's the liar because it was blatantly obvious that he never read the books. When asked what I want after explaining to him how hard it was for me to put it in words I handed him 3 books of the same series saying THIS is EXACTLY what I want. 

No. He didn't read them. 

If he didn't want to dominate me instead of dragging my dreams and fantasies to hell why didn't he just say no. He thinks everything has to be done the "proper" way. Some book he got gave him a list gave me homework have him all this stuff. I try to do my half but he's not being dominant. 

I feel like a barbie doll. And I'm a sub. Not a barbie doll. I asked him for pain for control for punishment so it would stop me from hurting myself. 

Well since his attitude had changed I have cut myself more times the. I can count. I don't have the punishment to straighten me out. So I cut. So I bleed. So I want to die!

And that's what it has come to. I can't handle my life without his dominance. He doesn't know how to be dominate. So just kill me. Because life hurts too much. Life is too crazy. Too noisy. To full of constant confusion. 

I asked him for his dominance to help control that. Now it's gone. So I might as well go too.

I'm a FAILURE. I WANT TO DIE